6) Belong

I'm currently staying in Santa Teresa, Costa Rica, and I will back up a bit on how I ended up here and why I felt the need to write this piece now.

So one thing I know, is that I want to move to a place more warm than The Netherlands. Because sunshine makes my soul happy. Even if my face doesn't show it and I'm not walking around like I'm in a 50's romcom with a huge smile upon my face greeting every stranger like they’re an extra in my movie.

MEETING PEOPLE

I have this image though of making friends in every country I go to and I can not seem to make it happen. Because apparently it means that I need to change myself into a super extroverted person that loves all sorts of engament with strangers.

Ok picture this; you take a morning yoga class and there is another girl taking that class. You make  eye contact and smile and exchange some words to top it off. You decide to go to the beach together.

Or; you're in the gym doing your morning work out. A guy keeps looking over and gives a compliment about your tattoos and this time you decide to engage in this unoriginal conversation starter. Because why the f not right?

In reality;

This girl at yoga is there with her friends and are already having a great time. They don't even notice you. And this guy in the gym that keeps looking, his girlfriend just walked in to join him. True story.

And now from their POV;

They see you with your arrogant face because you decided to just give up on interacting with new people. You just wanna do your work out fr. Don't even mention the golden wedding band from your grandmother that you’re wearing, making people think you're already taken. It's me, it's always me. And I find it hard to accept this part of me that I can’t seem to change.

I came across a reel of a girl which stated " best travel hack for a solo girl; fall in love with a new guy in every city you travel to, for free housing, food and company." I couldn't believe it.. how thooo?? How can you fall in love just for that? Is it love or just your way of enjoying company from strangers with all the benefits that come with it. And in exchange for, your body, I guess? But, I guess you would love that aspect too..

My mind was blown because I could never. The whole phase of meeting a new person costs me energy before somebody gives me energy. I'm too occupied with assessing if I can trust this person as a solo girl traveller. What is their intention? What do I find annoying about this person. What can I gain from hanging out with them. I already get tired from thinking about it and give up before I even made eye contact.

I’m just gonna give up on meeting people and I’lI still go home happy. (Which is my thought at every end of a solo adventure) Returning to my daily routine, my work, my clients and my friends that know me. Where I can be myself fully. I can relax and float and let the current of my life just take me along. Without having to watch out if I'd bump my head onto something. Because I know this current, I created this current. And then this current becomes normal. Stress arises, stress that I created, because the current is so boring. I decide that I'll go find new and exciting things in my daily life. I can take it, but I also know I need to unwind in the near future to be able to keep going. So I book a trip, solo, again. Thinking how nice it will feel not having to talk or deal with anybody. A new destination to look forward to. And the whole circus starts over..

NEW YEAR NEW PLAN

For the past two years my plan was to travel at least once a month, so 24 travels. Far away or close by, long or short, didn’t matter. Just being out of my daily life. I succeeded and I came up with the idea to take it a bit more slow. The next plan was; fewer trips but longer. I went to Malaga for two months for the winter, and after two weeks in I was bored of being alone. I interacted with strangers for one day and that fulfilled me for the rest of the six weeks.

I was happy to head back home, but it was still January and freggin cold, so I booked my next trip of a month to Costa Rica in June. Biodiverse, meeting family, car roadtrip and lots of cool places to visit according to ChatGPT and the tips I got.

Little did I know that Costa Rica is not the best choice for a sensory sensitive introvert solo traveler with a high trigger issue when it comes to driving. You don’t know until you go..

From the 2 years of travelling; I got triggered by the potholes in the road on my 5 minute driving trips in Curaçao, as well as the crazy driving behaviour of the Greek in Crete. And one Airbnb in Portugal that was all the way up in the mountains with squiggly steep roads and turns. And Costa Rica, is all of that, on steroids..

..to me, that is!

SANTA TERESA

Every time I arrive in a new place I’m excited to see if I’ll like it more than the previous one. And especially with Santa Teresa being highly recommended, I thought this was gonna be the highlight of my trip. But I found a new thing that I find annoying, which can also happen when you travel; perfection.

With all the different destinations I’ve been to now in Costa Rica, I loved La Fortuna and Sàmara the most. Eventhough a lot of things were closed in Sàmara, maybe because of the rain season.

La Fortuna is an open, spacious town. It’s diverse in crowd with locals mixed with tourists. You can stroll on your own and find your way. Drive bits for hikes, waterfalls and hot springs. You can move freely. You can join a tour here and there or just go adventuring solo. You can walk a lot and get your 10k steps in while you’re exploring the jungle looking for poisonous frogs.

But with some towns I went to, I was the only tourist. It’s not that I felt unsafe, I felt out of place. And here in Santa Teresa, it feels like it’s built for foreigners. And to attract them it must look perfect. Because everything is Pinterest perfect. Every cafe and it’s food is instagramable, because God forbid they don’t have smashed avo on sourdough on their menu. The people are young and good looking, driving their ATV’s shirtless with surfboards and dogs on the back. Yoga a-plenty, boho beach wear boutiques and brunch cafe’s. All with their Canva logo’s, clean, pretty and with a funny design twist. Selling their own merch, so you can prance around with some beach quote, saying ‘Paradise isn’t a place, it’s a feeling’

Apparently to me it’s a feeling of not beloning.

Santa Teresa is one big ass road with no side walk. Everybody drives motorcycles, ATV’s and cars up and down while you walk in muddy puddles, potholes, and rocks and trying your best not to break your ankle. Taking in the beautiful scenery of dust in your eyes, exhaust fumes up your nose and traffic noise. But it’s all under construction, so soon it’ll be better.. or actually, Pinterest worse?

It’s just not for me, that’s all. Because besides it being too perfect, it’s also too sensory overwhelming. It’s me, it’s always me.